


Force of Habit

by modelinmate



Series: glee habits [3]
Category: Glee
Genre: Gen, repost
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-06
Updated: 2015-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-04 17:48:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25090384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/modelinmate/pseuds/modelinmate
Summary: Lima 2013While picking up the pieces of his failed marriage, Finn begins to find himself and just what he wants out of life.
Relationships: Tina Cohen-Chang/Finn Hudson
Series: glee habits [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1817140
Kudos: 4





	Force of Habit

"I mean, that's weird, right?" Finn looked over to Sam for confirmation. He was glad his friend was still living with them because Sam would definitely agree that this was weird. He had been pretty great at that sort of thing all summer.

This had been the worst summer of Finn's life. Losing your wife and having to deal with that for three months with no distractions was so much worse than losing a glee club competition. The divorce itself he guessed was simple. They even used the same lawyer to make it go more swiftly. They didn't have kids or cars or a house so it was really just a tiny legal change that didn't seem to have any effect at all. Finn thought marriage was a bigger deal than that. He thought it was going to be more drawn out. It was probably better this way since when it was actually happening he could barely look at Rachel without thinking about what she had done. Ending it quickly and getting out of each other's lives for a while was better for both of them. Still, he wished it took just a little longer. At least until after his birthday.

Being divorced at twenty just sounded so much better than being divorced at nineteen.

Rachel hadn't cried. He wondered if maybe she would have had they ever gotten a moment alone. Instead, the lawyer was always there with their parents. He and Rachel didn't say much of anything. Their parents basically handled everything for them. Then when the weekend was over and they both signed the papers, Rachel immediately flew back to New York with barely a goodbye. She apologized again during the proceedings, and he didn't interrupt her this time. She tried to explain at length why she had chosen to have an affair with Quinn. Apparently, she had done it because she was afraid. Finn had some of those same fears last year so he understood some of it now, but it still sounded like a half-assed explanation.

He hasn't forgiven either of them yet. He wasn't sure if he ever would. The problem was he hasn't forgotten anything either despite how hard he's tried to.

"I don't know, not really," Sam eventually answered with a shrug, causing Finn to frown. "It just doesn't seem like that big of a deal. Sorry. Now can you please actually try and play? This is getting boring." Madden had actually been pretty boring since, like, 2009 at least, but creaming Finn 42 to 6 hardly made the game any better.

"Fine, but I didn't even tell you what they _said_ yet. Because they said _exactly_ the same thing."

"Alright, so what."

"Rachel told me to make sure it had a _green_ ribbon to match her eyes. Which didn't really make sense since Quinn's eyes are light brown."

"They're hazel," Sam corrected.

Finn sighed in irritation. That so wasn't what was important right now. "Okay, fine, whatever. They're still not green, but when I showed her the corsage all she said was _'it matches my eyes.'_ "

"Yeah, I guess that's a little weirder," he admitted, ignoring Finn's lack of impression skills. He really needed to work on his Quinn-voice. "I still don't think it means anything, though. At least not what you think it does."

"Really? Because I looked it up earlier, and did you know that _that_ corsage means secret love?"

Sam frowned. "Wait, flowers mean things?"

"Apparently, they all do, yeah. I thought it was just roses."

"Crap. I hope I haven't sent, like, sex flowers to my mom or something."

"Can you focus? What if Rachel knew what they meant? Why else would she be so specific?"

It was Sam's turn to sigh because this really didn't seem to be ending. Finn's latest rant about his exes seemed more insane than his last one. And that one had included dissecting old glee songs. He kind of understood where his friend was coming from, but this obsession was getting to be a bit much. It had been going on all summer. "Because it's Rachel? I went that prom with her and Mercedes as my dates. Well, and that Jesse kid. And do you know who Rachel paid attention to all night? You. Okay, and Quinn, but that was only because of _you_ ," he quickly amended. "She even sang you that breakup song and made it seem like a love song."

"She asked me what it felt like to kiss Quinn before." Finn didn't even notice Sam's DB causing him to fumble. "And I even thought it was strange then, but I just assumed it was because she wanted to know if I had feelings for Quinn again."

"Yeah, see, that totally makes more sense."

"And she always pointed out how pretty Quinn is, like I didn't already know. And Quinn once yelled at me and told me that if I cheated on her, just not to do it with Rachel." His face scrunched up like he smelled something sour. It had a tendency to do that when everything sucked. "She was so obsessed with her. That's basically all we'd fight about. And, like, you were there, Sam. At our first wedding. I gave Rachel one of those dramatic ultimatums that she loves, and she still chose to text Quinn." Finn gave up and tossed his controller across the floor.

"Yeah, which almost killed Quinn," Sam offered some perspective. Cheating was an awful thing to do to anyone, but Quinn was still his friend. Hearing all of this could get tiring. Finn at least seemed sheepish at the reminder. "Some of it's weird. I won't pretend it's not. But them paying attention to each other when you were in the middle of a love triangle? That's the most normal thing ever. It happens on shows all the time. They were rivals. That's what rivals do. When I was with Santana, she'd constantly pay attention to Artie because she wanted to be with Brittany. Just like I did with you when I was worried Quinn was cheating on me. Which she was." Sam frowned again at this whole situation before moving on. "It's not that bad is what I'm saying."

"It's not the same, though." Finn shook his head. "Like, if Quinn had come to you while we were campaigning for prom and asked you about ties, would you have had the perfect tie picked out for me?"

"Duh, a bolo." He didn't receive the reaction he thought he'd get so Sam momentarily took his eyes off the screen. The expression he found was not a happy one. "Or not?" Finn looked to be fuming, and Sam finally paused the game. "Look, man, I know you're having a rough time right now, but you're reading _way_ too much into this. Girls can be weird, okay? And they like flowers. Rachel loved you. _Everyone_ knows that. She loved you enough to marry you in high school. That's _impossible_. I mean, I would have proposed to Quinn for real if I knew people actually did that."

"Yeah, and then she decided to start having sex with Quinn anyway. How much love is that worth?"

"Right, but that doesn't go back to high school like you're worried it does. It sucks, and it's a really shitty thing that they did, but you said Rachel explained it to you. You said she was only doing it because she felt trapped and scared. It's not like she was in love with Quinn. She probably just felt comfortable with her because they're friends."

"No. She could've done it with anyone. There were people interested in her at NYADA. It meant something with Quinn even if she says it didn't. Plus, I couldn't imagine sleeping with Puck or something just because my marriage ended up sucking."

"Don't take this the wrong way or anything because I am on your side in this and I have your back, but maybe you should get over her already," he told Finn hesitantly. "I know it's not automatic, but, dude, they cheated on you for months and lied about it to your face. So just forget about them. You should be focusing on yourself now. College is supposed to be fun. You _are_ still allowed to have fun, Finn. We're not supposed to have that many responsibilities right now. I think…I think it's a good thing that your marriage is over. No one should get married before they've even done anything in life." Sam shrugged again before turning back to the game.

Finn did not join him.

_Why does everyone keep_ saying _that_?

And if they really felt that way, why didn't they say so before they got married? Okay, so Kurt did. And Quinn but she didn't count anymore. Santana wished them eternal misery, but Finn figured she would have wished them that even if they weren't engaged. Their parents supported them when they announced their engagement, but _now_ they all told them how happy they were that it was over. Mr. Schue came to both weddings and cried happy tears for them, but the last time Finn saw him, he said college was the best thing to be doing and gave him some of Ms. Pillsbury's pamphlets on the subject. All of their friends were there at the wedding and dedicated a song to them, and now they just kept telling him it was a dumb thing to do. Maybe they should have sung about that instead then.

Though, he wondered if he and Rachel even would have listened.

*

Finn still had Rachel's rings. He put them in a sock with his own wedding ring and kept it in his top drawer. He didn't know what else to do with them. There weren't really instructions for this part. They weren't worth that much money so even if selling them didn't feel disrespectful, he probably wouldn't have done that anyway. He thought of maybe giving them to Rachel when they finished their short divorce, but she had purposefully given them back to him when they were breaking up. If he gave them back again, it would've seemed like he was still hanging on to their relationship.

Finn didn't want to be hanging on to her or _them._ If he spent too much time thinking about the past year or if he snuck one too many looks inside that sock inside his top drawer, he usually just ended up being pretty pissed about it all. No one liked to be cheated on, but he was sure this had to be the first time anyone got cheated on by the only two girlfriends they ever had at the same time. That was just so much worse. It was painful and a bit of a blow to his ego. Rachel had found it easier to carry on an affair with his ex instead of just talking to him about what wasn't working at home, and Quinn…He didn't like to think about Quinn at all, actually. Doing so usually resulted in him punching a wall and searching for a bag of frozen peas and peroxide.

He shouldn't be thinking about _either_ of them. That's what his friends kept telling him. Rachel probably wasn't thinking about him anymore with her new life in New York and everything. She was probably really busy because they haven't even spoken to each other since they signed the papers and she flew back to the city. She left a brief note with his stuff when she shipped it home to Lima if that counted. It was weird to one day be knee-deep in a relationship with a person that's been around for years and the next day just… _not_. When they broke up before, they were still in glee and saw each other every day even if they were avoiding each other. But now they were in different time zones. Kurt and Blaine did that last year, but they still called and emailed back and forth. Finn and Rachel had silence, and he couldn't figure out what that meant.

He tried calling her a few times but always hung up before even pressing send. Instead, he'd just ask Kurt how everything was going, and he would fill Finn in on both him and Rachel. Kurt was being really great about everything, and Finn knew how awkward it must be for him to be stuck right in the middle. He had been there a lot in the last year too which wasn't fair. Kurt stayed neutral and was sympathetic to both his brother and his best friend. Recently, he had been helping Finn prepare for college as best he could over the phone. They had taken an hour tour at what turned out to be Finn's school over the summer. It seemed kind of nice so Finn began the process of enrolling.

He was nervous. No one in his family had ever gone to college. Not a big four year university. And high school never actually taught you about what it would be like. They told you what schools looked for and what were the best ones to apply to and how your GPA and test scores mattered. But they never told you what college class schedules were like or what credits you would need or even what a major was. They just assumed most students knew that stuff already. Finn knew some of it because of living with Rachel and Kurt. He knew college classes were longer and that you didn't have the same one every day like in high school. The days were shorter so you could fit in work too. But he still had no idea how to pick classes.

Rachel, Kurt, and Blaine were going to a special school strictly for performing. Mercedes, Mike, Artie, and Quinn were all doing something similar, and Santana had quit school before she figured it out. How was Finn supposed to pick his classes when he had no idea why he was even going to college? He still wasn't sure what he wanted to do when everything finished and he was supposed to have a career. Before enrolling, he thought of maybe joining Puck like his friend offered. Puck wasn't in school either, and his business was growing really well. Even if it wasn't _Finn's_ dream, it was still something in the meantime. But they all seemed to have their own thing going out there, and Quinn had chosen to spend her summer in LA. Finn definitely didn't want to intrude on that.

The classes he did end up choosing were general requirements, most of which he already took at McKinley. Well, he took the basic versions at McKinley. These would probably be harder, but he knew that he could figure it out. It made this first year seem just a little bit safer. He could maybe even get excited about it if he tried. Orientation turned out to be kind of pointless since he had already had the tours, but he recognized more people than he thought he would. Finn was worried that skipping a year would mean that he was behind everyone, but there were a couple of McKinley kids from his own graduating class that were also enrolling a year late. He recognized a bunch of kids from last year's class too. And even some from other schools that he had competed with both in glee and in football.

He didn't know any of them, though. Not really. But that's what orientation was for. Finn had always been good at talking to people and making friends. People just seemed to follow him. So this really shouldn't have been any different. Except Finn didn't really have anything to talk about with anyone. He basically had no life. Saying he lived in New York City last year might impress some people, but that would only lead to him talking about how he worked as a mechanic and got divorced before giving up and coming back to Ohio. New York was usually a place for better stories. _Definitely better endings._

Toward the end of the night, he finally found a familiar face that he's actually spoken to before. He had forgotten that Tina would be going to school here too. He figured she would have chosen to go somewhere better than the University of Lima. She was a Brainiac or whatever in high school so she was obviously smarter than this place. (Of course, Brittany had also been on that team.) He vaguely remembered Tina telling Mike over the summer that she wasn't sure what she wanted to pursue and staying home for a while would save her money. Finn had been there with Sam and Blaine when they were discussing it. He just expected Tina would be one of the ones to know what she wanted out of the future. For now, he was glad that she had a couple of classes with him. At least he'd have a partner for projects.

*

Burt hired him back on part time at the tire shop once the divorce finalized. Finn didn't want to work there anymore. He hated feeling like he was taking advantage of his parents. Last year they paid most of his rent and now he was living at home again. He knew he spiked up their food budget. Plus, they had double the tuition now. Lima didn't cost nearly as much as NYADA did and the financial aid helped some, but it felt like too much. He didn't want a paycheck, however small, from them too. Burt tried telling him that he needed someone working at the shop while he had to report to his duties as a Congressman, but Finn wasn't sure. Burt was the most straightforward guy ever, but it still sounded like one of those things parents say to make things easier for their kids.

The job itself also had crappy connotations with it now. Changing oil just made Finn think of last year. He hated his job last year. Everyone around him had been doing something amazing, and he had been doing this. Finn knew it was a good job to have and everything. Burt did really well for himself. It was great for supporting a family. It wasn't demeaning like Rachel sometimes made it sound, but it wasn't something anyone dreamed about doing. _Unless it was, like, NASCAR_. Finn wanted something more. At least until he got another family. This time when he was older and more prepared.

College wasn't helping yet in giving him an idea for a major or a future. The school advisors said it was fine being undeclared during his first year. So long as he picked something by his third year everything should be fine. It gave him a little more time which made him relax just a little bit more. So far he liked the University of Lima. Well, he didn't really like being in _school_ again because even if it had only been a year since high school, he forgot a lot of the math already. Everyone was ahead of him in that class. The _rest_ of college is what had been fun. He had even gone to a dorm party. He didn't know a single person there because the dorms were for the students who came to Lima from even _smaller_ towns in western Ohio. It was weird to think of Lima as a destination. All of his friends feared it like there was no place worse.

He may have been afraid of never being great at anything, but he was proud of the fact that he wasn't afraid of home. It wasn't something anyone else could say. Lima wasn't New York, but Finn was enjoying himself for the first time since his wedding. That wasn't something to be ashamed about.

_Mostly_.

*

Sometimes college was really hard. Some classes didn't care about homework while others had workloads that were impossible. Some teachers were great at making sure their point was getting across while others just talked for two hours. Finn didn't really learn that way. He usually stopped listening after about ten minutes. He couldn't take his own notes if someone didn't write them on the board for him first. The intro philosophy class he was taking was like that. Finn didn't even know what philosophy was when he signed up, but the counselor he enrolled with recommended it.

He had never been the brightest guy, but if a tree fell down in a forest and no one was around to see it fall, it still fell. That just seemed like common sense, but his professor tried to tell them all otherwise. Finn even made the point to say that if he fell asleep and no one was home with him, it didn't mean that he didn't get any sleep. But his professor didn't agree. Finn was going to fail the class, and even if it was a waste of an enrollment fee, he still had time to drop it where it wouldn't affect his overall grades.

He met with Tina and Sam at the Lima Bean for coffee as they usually did every couple of days to discuss this. He needed a replacement class, and Tina thankfully had an easy solution.

"My Women's Studies class isn't full yet. Probably because it's Lima," she complained. Sometimes she did that about UOL. "It's really just a discussion class, and the professor's pretty lenient. And it's way more important than philosophy."

Finn didn't really know what all of that meant, but it sounded good. "Cool. Thanks." He grinned.

Tina was great at the college thing and so far had been very helpful. She probably had good taste in classes. This one may even be fun since it wasn't something he already took in high school. Sam was laughing, though. Finn didn't understand why. Studying women might actually help him. Girls and how they think might finally start making sense to him. He had no idea classes like this existed. He should have taken one years ago.

It only took him a week to figure out why Sam had laughed.

It was _so_ not a class about studying girls.

*

Quinn visited Rachel in September. Kurt awkwardly slipped it into the end of their latest conversation. He tried to very casually tell him that they went out for coffee and then just talked about school and work before Quinn left again.

Finn didn't understand how Rachel could still talk to Quinn if she couldn't talk to him too. She swore they weren't together anymore so shouldn't it be just as messy with them? Or at least messy at all?

It hurt. If he had been good enough at anything important, then he could have stayed in New York and none of this would have happened. Quinn was busy doing a bunch of Ivy League stuff. She had nothing to worry about. She could keep up with Rachel and New York City even if she didn't turn out to be an actress. Yale was one of the best colleges in the world. Quinn had everything she wanted ever since she got in, and she could have anyone she wanted so why did she have to go after the only thing Finn had? Rachel was it for him.

None of it made sense. First of all, they both liked guys. They were always with someone if they weren't already with him. Puck, Jesse, Sam, that Jesus guy whose name he can't remember right now. Well, he guessed that was also kind of true for Santana. So maybe that wasn't the important part. Blaine tried to talk to him about the sexuality part over summer, but he had never been too great with that stuff.

The rest of it, though. That's what got to him. Neither of them would just randomly start having sex with someone without a good reason. It was a college thing to do, but school didn't really change either of them that much. They both cared about virginity and partners. Quinn had only done it once with Puck which she always called a mistake and would tell him how her first time should have been with Finn. After having the baby, she immediately rejoined the celibacy club, and as far as he knew, Rachel was the first person she had been with since that one time with Puck. That's not something to just take lightly. Quinn had reasons for doing everything.

Rachel was a little different. She wasn't as uptight about sex as Quinn was, probably because her parents were much nicer people. But she still waited for a long time until it felt right. Feelings were always one of the most important things to her. It was why she got mad at him for lying about what she thought was a shallow first time with Santana. Even if she felt like she couldn't breathe in New York last year, which were her exact words, having sex with Quinn wasn't a random, reckless reaction. She was Finn's first girlfriend who they both had a muddled history with. Rachel wouldn't have sex with someone if feelings weren't involved. And with Quinn, once might have been a mistake, but to do it over and over again? She clearly wanted it to happen.

That was what he was afraid of. They were already getting coffee. How long would it be before they actually got together?

Maybe they already were.

*

"Hey. So I didn't feel the urge to fall asleep today. I believe that's what they call progress," Tina joked, joining Finn at his table in the student lounge.

Finn tried to smile at that. Their English Composition teacher bored them both.

Tina was able to see through the thinness of it. "Are you okay? You seem upset."

Finn thought about maybe just telling her everything. Sam hadn't been too good to talk to about this anymore, and Tina might be more receptive to his theories. "Do you think I should start dating again?" he asked instead.

"Did you have a specific person in mind?"

"No, I just…Well, how long did you wait to start dating after Mike?"

Tina blushed and looked away, obviously embarrassed. "I haven't really."

"Oh. I just thought because Mike has that new dancer girlfriend that-" Finn winced at her reaction. He didn't mean to be insensitive. Why was he such an idiot sometimes? "Sorry."

"No, don't worry about it. Mike seems happy, and her posts about him on Facebook seem nice." Not that Tina had been stalking her Facebook. She cleared her throat. "Is Rachel dating again? Is that what this is about?"

He chewed on his lip, debating how to answer. It was dry. Maybe Sam could recommend a ChapStick flavor. "She spent the weekend with Quinn." Tina tilted her head in sympathy. He should probably be tired of seeing that look by now. "Kurt says it was just as friends, but I don't know. How do you spend the weekend with someone as friends when you used to…you know." He gave an angry wave as a substitute for his words. Finn didn't want to actually say it again.

"It probably wasn't much fun for them. I'm sure it was awkward. You know, like, as soon as they looked at each other they probably felt all the guilt they should be feeling."

"I doubt it. If they felt guilty, then they would have only done it once. Not for five months." He blew out a frustrated breath and decided to just fill her in completely. "I think they like each other. Everyone keeps trying to say that Rachel only did it because New York wasn't working, but I know it's more than that. I wish she just would have admitted that." It wouldn't have been easier to hear, but at least it was _true_. Finn understood that sometimes people told white lies just to make the people they care about feel better, but he didn't get how Rachel was still able to do it after her bigger confessions.

Tina observed him, squinting in thought. In her opinion, Rachel could have been sensitive enough to at least wait longer. "Maybe you _should_ start dating again. You don't owe her anything, Finn."

"I know that." And he did. That wasn't his problem. "But who would want to date a guy who can't even buy a beer but has already been divorced? I'm such a loser." He slouched all the way down in his chair. His feet came out on the other side of the table. Maybe he could just sit here forever.

"No, you're not," Tina huffed and dragged him back up. "You're just…divorced." She struggled. It was weird to say. Divorce usually happened at her parents' age.

"We barely lasted a year. I thought that if we just got married then all of our problems would go away because we'd still be together. Everything else may have changed, but that wouldn't. It sounded romantic."

"It did." She had thought so when they got engaged. However, hindsight was 20/20. "But maybe a long engagement would have been better."

_Probably_. Most scenarios would have been better. It was an annoying thought to have. Why hadn't they waited? "I have nothing. I didn't even have much before."

"That's not true. At the very least you have a pity party."

"I'm just being realistic." He glared, mostly at himself. "I mean, would you date someone like me? I wouldn't." Tina's hesitation was an obvious answer. "See."

"The baggage would be a problem for a serious relationship. But if it was just for fun, then sure. I'd date someone like you. You're handsome, and you're not a jerk. Both are important to me."

"I guess." Of course, so were plenty of other guys. Now he no longer had a leg up on them.

Tina sighed. Watching him was just sad. She wanted to fix it. "You're a great guy when you want to be, Finn. Everyone from glee who has an attraction for guys had some type of feelings for you at some point. And everyone else wanted to be your friend."

That was kind of true. Rachel, Quinn, and Kurt all wanted to be with him. And he had doubled with Santana and Brittany that one time. But that was only, like, half. He smiled anyway. "Some of them."

She rolled her eyes. "Okay, so Mercedes never had a crush on you. Or Lauren. But I'm not even sure she liked _Puck_. She always scared me."

"Yeah, me too." He still doesn't know how Puck survived that relationship. "And you didn't either. The crush thing."

"That's not completely true. I _may_ have liked you for a couple of weeks in middle school." For a month during seventh grade, Finn had been the boy _everyone_ liked for virtually no reason. It had just been decided. But he had pointedly smiled at Tina once during those four weeks, making her feel on top of the world. Middle school was weird.

"I didn't know that."

"It obviously wasn't a big deal. You probably didn't even know I existed back then."

Finn couldn't lie to her. He never really noticed her back then, and if he was honest, she didn't register during some of sophomore year either. Even after the first few weeks in glee she was just Tina, the girl who stuttered. But he did remember all that. "No, I did. You were the shy girl no one really knew. You used to sit at Artie's lunch table with that weird Indian kid with the accent."

Her face scrunched up as she tried to recall the kid's name. "Brian?"

"Right. But see, I did remember," he boasted. "You were a year younger, though. We never talked. Why did you like me?"

"Because you were a cute boy." She giggled, focusing on opening her binder. "And you were a year older."

Finn shared in her laughter at that. It was kind of a cute thing to say. Finn always loved when girls told him he was attractive or sweet or talented or strong. He loved being popular. It was the best type of pick-me-up. He knew it was generally a mistake to rely on other people to make you like yourself, but who didn't enjoy compliments?

*

Finn hasn't had sex in a while. Even in New York before everything went to crap between them, he and Rachel kind of stopped doing that part of their relationship. He was always tired after work and honestly hadn't really wanted to. Well, he still would have if Rachel had asked because tired or not he was still a dude and everything, but she never did. He hasn't been able to find the urge lately either which sucked because it took him years to get over his mailman issues. It wasn't fair and almost felt like a waste. He knew it was probably because of the pressure he was under last year and how he was still sort of depressed a lot of the time.

So when he did finally feel a hint of anything, it was only natural to push a hand inside his basketball shorts. It was laundry day anyway. He was home alone and would be for hours. The movie he had just watched on a channel he had never heard of was possibly the worst movie he's ever seen. But he really liked Kate Upton. As a model she managed to be both hot and adorable at the same time which was pretty much his favorite combination. Except someone like her probably wouldn't ever want a high school graduate from Lima, Ohio. They wouldn't even have anything to talk about, and her boyfriend was a Cy Young winner who could probably beat his ass. _Damn it_. Thinking about that wasn't helping. He could always just think about the girls he's actually been with. That would be easier. He didn't even bother stopping on Santana who could _definitely_ beat his ass. So that meant Rachel.

Rachel was great. Truly one of a kind. Sometimes he used to be afraid that she was just _that_ _person_. The one that came into someone's life and changed everything about it before leaving it again. Usually he'd remind himself that she was once the school loser that clung really hard to anyone that gave her attention to erase those fears. Because Rachel had clung to him hardest of all. She had loved him. He never doubted that. And someone loving him that much had made him feel special too.

It always felt really awesome being inside of her. And not even just physically. That part was great too, but the rest of it was better. Just kissing her before they even took that next step was great. Rachel _cared_ and always told him how he was the handsomest guy at school. Even if they kept the lights off, she was usually always really excited to be with him too. She had great lips and hands and legs. And she had a really talented mouth. Which, well, obviously she was a great singer and speaker but also in other ways. Not that they did that much. Neither had been really comfortable doing that and saved it for special occasions, but it was great for this. The fact that they never really did that made it a great fantasy. She was much better at it than he was. Though, they had tried that even less.

Rachel had probably tried to do that with Quinn. That's usually what would happen in all that amateur lesbian porn he's watched. Well, before the guy would join in anyway. He didn't really know what else two girls could do together besides that and the hand stuff. It seemed pretty limited. So Rachel probably definitely did that with Quinn then, and Quinn most likely returned the favor.

He really shouldn't be thinking about Quinn. She was a total boner-killer now which was just awful since she was still the most beautiful girl he's ever seen in real life. Quinn could be hot when she said things a certain way or if she was wearing a cheerios skirt. And when she wasn't hot she was _always_ pretty, even when she didn't think she was. Rachel and Quinn would be attractive together. He wasn't blind so he could admit that.

He never did anything with her outside of occasionally touching her boobs when they dated the second time, but Finn knew her moves. He remembered how Quinn liked to be in complete control even when she was acting sweet. She would leave lingering touches and send teasing looks under her stupidly long eyelashes. Then she would demand things and grind down on him in deliberate ways before pulling away to pray or make lunch or do homework. He would be left hot and bothered or with a stain on his pants while she didn't seem like anything had happened at all unless she was disgusted by something he had done.

Quinn was actually pretty fucking annoying.

But she was always a great kisser. And so was Rachel after she got some practice. He had always felt pretty lucky about that track record. Finn wasn't sure what he was like as a kisser since he obviously couldn't kiss himself, but they had never complained. Well, Rachel had never complained. Together, their kisses were probably fantastic. And the sex was probably hot. It was probably really… _No_ , they sucked. All they did was lie to him. Separately and together. He could already feel himself getting soft again. _Great_. Now he would never be able to think about two girls together again without thinking about _them_.

Finn released a frustrated breath and let his head fall back to the couch. He didn't want to lose this, _again_ , and willed himself to continue, thinking of all the other women in his life. Brittany wasn't an option because she also liked girls sometimes, and he was avoiding that. He couldn't picture Mercedes since she was kind of with Puck now, and he shouldn't think about his bro's girl, even if Puck had probably done that to him more than once. This also meant Sugar and Ms. Pillsbury were out. All that was left was Tina, but she was his friend and it felt wrong.

Tina was really pretty, though, and had great hair. Even when it used to have blue in it, she had been rocker-hot under her beanies. She was smart and supportive, and Finn knew for a fact that Tina loved sex. Mike was once mortified to let it slip out that Tina had to use Sam's cooling down tactics when they were just making out. She wasn't ever in the celibacy club. Plus, she had that crush on him. And okay, so it was back when they were way too young for this, but still. Tina might still be attracted to him. At his highest point at quarterback, he had gotten almost every girl at McKinley to pay to kiss him. Girls thought he was cute. She might want him. What if she had secretly wanted this for years? (At least while she was single.) That could be epic.

She would feel really good too; warm. _And soft._ Maybe she'd even like it a little bit faster. Finn had always been careful with Rachel, not wanting to accidentally hurt her or mess it up. He had been bad enough just dancing with her most of the time. They never really did it much outside of the–well he guessed what was considered the "normal" way. But what if Tina, who actually had to use cool-downs, liked it in other ways? _She might_ …He stopped again. This could easily turn porny and gross, and he never did that while thinking about people who were actually in his life. _Those_ fantasies were for randoms.

Fantasy-Tina could maybe ride him or something, though. What if she liked it on top? That was always better on his back. He did it with Rachel a couple of times in the basement when they first got married because she had wanted to. It was really hot. It was basically just her getting herself off and using him to do it. She had looked gorgeous. He had no doubt that Tina would look equally gorgeous doing that, and it was more about her which made him feel way less creepy.

God, it would be amazing. He would grip her hips as she moved, and she'd know how to shift in the perfect way because she was a great dancer. Better than Rachel was. She was always the best one in glee after Mike and Brittany. She would dig into his shoulders and toss her head back as her hips rolled into him. She would start going faster and sigh out his name, and then they would…They'd–

Finn came quickly, much sooner than he would have liked, but it still felt amazing. People probably shouldn't go so long without doing that.

He tried to ignore the fact that he just got off to his second closest friend at the moment. Based on what she says in Women's Studies, he doubted that she would appreciate it. Though, he didn't really think that counted as objectification. Tina wasn't just a _girl_. She was a person. And that's how he was thinking of her as. Still, he kind of knew that he was screwed. And Finn knew he was in even more trouble when he started thinking about how they'd cuddle afterward and talk while listening to their favorite songs or watching movies that weren't about sparkly vampires like the ones Rachel enjoyed.

*

Finn went on a Tina-free thought diet. He spent every day reminding himself that she was a friend. Specifically, he spent every morning trying to convince himself of that because his subconscious wasn't down with the whole Tina-free thing. He didn't want to think about Tina like _that_ , but she just kept invading his dreams and then he'd wake up with morning wood and would just kind of…have to. It was a relief to know that everything was working down there because he was really worried about that a few weeks ago, but this wasn't fair. He was _trying_ to do the right thing.

He attempted not to look at Tina too long in class. He didn't really talk to her as much and kept a nice amount of distance between them. She didn't seem to notice anything was up and kept engaging him like she normally would which sucked. Because now Finn just started to come off as rude. Like earlier, she asked him if he wanted to start studying for the small quiz they had coming up, but Finn had to turn her down. Then he left quickly in case she wanted a longer explanation than the claim that he had _'guy stuff to do.'_

Sam at least called him later and asked for a ride home from work. It gave Finn an actual excuse if he was ever asked. After graduating and talking it over with his parents and Finn's parents, they all decided that Sam staying in Lima would be better if that's what he still wanted to do. Sam had been unsure, but already had a job offer and ultimately chose to stay. He had been working as a coordinator for McKinley High's football team. It wasn't that many hours and paid little, but Sam liked designing plays. He had learned a lot by sitting as a backup for two years. There wasn't much else to do.

Finn had only been back to their school once since tossing his graduation cap. It had been when his marriage ended so he wasn't looking forward to it today. Nothing that bad would happen and he'd only be in and out, but the whole thing was just weird. Walking around back to the bleachers, he felt like he could still fit in here. He wore the same clothes, did all the same stuff, and it had only been two years. But everything else had changed in that time. Rachel had been right. It _was_ smaller. He didn't see that when she said it last year, but now that's all he could focus on. He did not belong on this campus anymore.

"Finn Hudson."

Finn spun around at his name to find a familiar face. "Hey, Coach."

Beiste gripped his shoulder with a strong grin. "Long time, no see. What have you been up to?"

"You know. I'm still going to UOL and stuff." He really wished he had a life for these moments. They seemed to happen way too often after graduating.

"You still playing ball?"

"Oh, um, no. I'm just focusing on school right now." Football hadn't seemed practical after high school.

"Good for you." Beiste still smiled genuinely. "I went over to UOL last season. They offered me a coaching position, but it was for an assistant position." She chuckled. "It reminded me of my alma mater. Just a small town college in Missouri."

"Is that where you decided you wanted to be a football coach?" Her laugh got deeper at the question. Finn thought was cool to see her looking so happy after all that crap she went through.

"No, of course not." She shook her head. "My parents wanted me to go there to take over the business side of our ranch. Coaching found me a few years later. You know how it is. Don't count your chickens before the panther's made an omelet."

Finn didn't really like omelets because he never could figure out how to make them, but that was good to know. Coach Beiste was an awesome coach. Much better than Coach Tanaka was. They had turned their entire team around and won a championship within a year. He just would have assumed that since she was so good, coaching was what she always planned on doing. If she could wait years and still find something she was great at, then maybe it wasn't all hopeless.

*

His nights got better after a while. His brain stopped dreaming about Tina without his consent. He didn't stop thinking about her on his own, though. It made talking to her in class clumsy. After it became too much, Finn decided it'd be best to get some bro advice over all of this.

He thought about calling Puck, but Puck would probably involve Artie since he knew Tina better and then everyone would know. It would ultimately lead to Tina finding out too, and he didn't want to deal with that part yet. So Finn thought it'd be nice to make him and Sam some grilled cheese sandwiches to talk through it. It was still his best meal so he had thought Sam would appreciate the effort. After his surprise at Finn's confession, however, Sam didn't seem all too pleased with Finn's feelings.

"Um, are you sure this is a good idea?" Sam asked him cautiously. "Liking Tina, I mean."

"Tina's really great," Finn defended.

"That's not what I was saying."

"I know she's still quiet sometimes, but she talks a lot more now than she did in glee. And, you know, that's not a bad thing anyway." Rachel talked _a lot_. It was hard to listen to all of it. "Plus, she's really pretty and talented. Maybe not as good a singer as Rachel was, but she's still awesome. Mr. Schue totally underused her."

"Yeah, see, _that's_ what I was saying." Sam shook his head, disapproving. "Are you sure you're not just using her to forget Rachel? Because that really wouldn't be cool."

"Well, I'm not."

"'Kay."

"I like talking to her and being around her. That doesn't have anything to do with last year. And it's not like I'm cheating or anything. I'm single. Besides, weren't you the one who told me to start having fun again?"

"Yeah, but not at my friend's expense." Glee was so small last year that everyone in it had gotten closer. He'd rather Tina not be Finn's roadkill. "If you like her for real, then good for you because Tina _is_ great. Just make sure you're serious about it. No one likes to be dragged along by someone who's waiting for someone else. I mean, you've kind of already done that to Quinn. And it was _for_ Rachel."

"This isn't like that. And I had feelings for Quinn too." Though, he doesn't remember why anymore.

"Right. But you dumped her at a funeral and got back together with Rachel a week later. I'm sure that sucked for her."

Finn used to feel bad about that, but now that Sam put it that way something else occurred to him. Quinn could hold grudges for a _really_ long time. "Do you think that's why she did it? To get back at me?"

"No, I really don't," Sam told him dryly. Finn could be super self-centered sometimes. He tried to get them back on track. "Look, my point is, Tina's your friend. Don't make her your second choice just because it would make your life suck less."

Finn didn't want his sandwich anymore after his friend left him with his thoughts. Sam didn't even give him any advice. Well, he did, but not on how to make it less awkward with Tina. What a waste of a conversation. Finn decided he would just call Kurt about it. Kurt may not know what it was like to date chicks, but he'd listen. Plus, he might tell Rachel. It wasn't like Finn was trying to toss him moving on back in her face, but it'd be nice if she knew she wasn't alone in her pursuit of someone else. He would seem way less like her loser ex.

Kurt figured out that was why Finn called rather quickly and told him he was being petty. Kurt actually sounded like he was in one of his moods, and Finn immediately regretted calling. He didn't give him any advice for the awkward conversations either. Instead, Kurt advised him to let Rachel go completely. He told him to stop putting his life on hold and go for it with Tina if that's how he really felt. Finn guessed that was a little better than what Sam said.

*

Rachel wasn't coming home for Thanksgiving this year. (Neither was Quinn, but that knowledge didn't hurt.) Kurt said it was because she was busy celebrating with some of her new friends from NYADA, but he also implied it was because she didn't want to make it uncomfortable for him. Finn didn't care about it being uncomfortable. He would rather just be able to see her again.

He decided to listen to Kurt's advice–and Tina's and Sam's–and was trying to get over her for real this time. He even removed their rings from his drawer and packed them away into a box inside his closet so he wouldn't feel the urge to look at them. He hadn't really done that in a while anyway so it hadn't even been difficult. But he still thought seeing her again would help along the process. If only to know how he really felt about her.

Sometimes he wasn't even angry anymore. Not at Rachel. He missed her too much. And he knew that they weren't going to get back together any time soon, if they ever did. He just missed her. Last year they had the best Thanksgiving ever together. They were all together as one, combined family, and then they had a glee reunion the next night. It may have been the best part of last year. Finn loved coming home to everyone with her. She could at least do that again. It wasn't even about him. Other people missed her too.

Kurt promised he'd try and talk her into coming home for Christmas Break. He guessed that wouldn't be too bad. It wasn't that long of a wait. If she agreed to come, that is. Christmas was when it started getting really bad last year. So maybe this could be their circle. His mom used to talk about that before he understood what it meant. She'd talk about people coming full circle in their lives. It was a good thing. That was what he needed with Rachel. And even though it was kind of selfish, he wanted Rachel to need it too.

*

Finn was at Tina's house when he felt something change again. She had invited him over to prep for their finals because her father had a study. Finn only had a bed and a laptop. This definitely worked better at keeping him focused. Still, eventually they ditched the desks and ended up with all their study sheets and notes spread out on the floor in between them.

He had been reading over a formula cheat sheet when Tina abruptly burst out into tears. It wasn't the first time that he has seen her cry. He's seen everyone from glee cry, and she had done it within the group on more than one occasion. And between Quinn and Rachel, he was pretty much an expert now on what to do with crying girlfriends. Not that that's what Tina was, of course, but it was close enough.

Shuffling across the floor, he put his arm around her shoulders and just let her cry. Being there for someone felt nice. Finn missed being counted on. He would like to be that guy for Tina.

"God, this is embarrassing," she finally voiced after calming down somewhat. "I'm sorry. It must be all the pressure. I don't understand why these tests and papers need to be worth that much of our grade." Finn agreed with that. There was no way he was going to pass every single one of them. "And as soon as they're done I'm going to have to find a stupid dress for Sugar's stupid party. It's too much. No one can do all of this."

The party didn't sound stupid to him. Sugar had invited all the glee kids and some of her other friends to her parents' Christmas party this year. Her invitations were sort of demanding and he had to Google what black tie specifically meant, but it was a great excuse to get everyone back together again. Sugar said it was going to be spectacular and better than all the other glee parties that have been thrown (even though it wasn't actually a glee party). She claimed to have a mansion that was not at all purchased by mafia money. So Finn thought it would be pretty cool.

"I'm afraid of seeing Mike. He's bringing his girlfriend," she continued. "Do you know after graduation, I asked him to talk because I thought maybe now that I wasn't stuck in Lima we could get back together? That's what Brittany and Santana were doing. It's all Blaine would talk about toward the end of the year. How he hoped to reunite with Kurt in New York. But before I even had a chance to bring a reconciliation up, Mike was telling me that he was seeing someone." It had been humiliating. The memory only made her cry harder. "And you're going to have to see Rachel. Please don't do something like that with her. You said you thought that she was with Quinn. I don't want to see your heart broken like that."

Finn frowned. He appreciated the concern, but it was unnecessary. He was mostly excited to finally see Rachel again. Tina had found out through Blaine that she was coming back home even before Kurt told Finn. He still didn't know what he wanted to say to her. He supposed he would figure it out once he saw her.

"You don't have to worry about me," he reassured her. "This is…It's something I need to do. And I'm definitely not trying to get back together with her. It's been over for a long time." Probably before they even broke up.

"Just be careful."

"I will."

Tina collapsed against him in defeat. "Finals suck."

"They do."

"I really hate them. I'm not going to be a chemist. Why do I need to know how to balance chemical equations? When will that ever be useful in life?" It seemed so senseless. Surely there were better uses of her time. "I know on average those with a college degree make more than those without one and not everyone has the opportunity to go so I should be grateful, but I don't like it. I don't like UOL or its course work. It's done nothing to expand my knowledge and skillsets." She looked back up at him in challenge. "Do you like going?"

He thought about it for a moment. No one had ever asked him before. "I like doing something that everyone tells me I'm supposed to be doing. My mom's really proud of me, and every time someone asks me how I am it's nice to have school to fall back on. I don't feel ashamed at all like I did last year when I was talking about work," he continued slowly. "It makes me feel…less bad about myself. But I don't really like the school part of it, no." Stuff like finals was awful, but if that's the only type of pressure he had to face this year, then he wouldn't complain. It was better than having to make sure the heat didn't get shut off.

"See and you're spending all this money to do it just because it's expected. Tuition being as much as it is made sense back when a degree got you a better job. But now there is no job market. Everyone just goes into debt and finds a basic job to pay for it so they won't lose their car, or they go to grad school because they don't know what else to do. That's probably what _I'm_ going to do. Seven more years of college. Can you imagine? Seven more years of _finals_." She sobbed into his shoulder again, mumbling something about a thesis.

Finn didn't know what to say to any of that. "At least the vacations are longer." He grinned uncertainly, but Tina still gave a watery laugh.

She leaned away, brushing off her cheeks. "True."

Even though she was kind of messy and her eyes were red from crying, Finn really wanted to kiss her just then. Her laugh was pretty contagious. He almost leaned down but thought better of it. It would be a mistake for that to happen now and wrong since Sam was right. Finn needed to talk to Rachel first and get that over with before anything could happen. He wanted to be mature about this. Glee club was over. If he screwed up he couldn't just fix it with a song the next day. This deserved more.

*

The arrival to the Mottas' residence on Christmas Eve was not an elegant one. Tina was welcomed in by a serving man with both Finn and Sam and could do nothing but gape at their surroundings. "Whoa."

Finn was just as amazed. He had never seen a chandelier in real life. "I didn't know there were houses this big in Lima."

"I didn't know there were houses this big in _Ohio_."

Sam looked like he had the wind knocked out of him. "I'm pretty sure my parents' house could fit in that corner."

"Welcome to House Motta." Sugar came down the massive center staircase to greet them, tiara and all.

"Sugar." Finn grinned in return.

"First of her name." A familiar set of wheels rolled up behind them.

"Artie!" Tina was immediately pulling him in for an excited hug. "How are you?"

Artie didn't get a chance to answer that as Sugar jumped in to answer for him. Artie was apparently doing really well in film school and was being an _'awesome boyfriend'_ the rest of the time. The couple guided them into one of the three downstairs rooms where the party was being held. They had come a little early, but the rest of their friends from Los Angeles were already there too. They caught up amongst the rest of the Motta family guests none of them knew.

Mercedes, Santana, Brittany, and Sugar had reformed the Troubletones for a web series. They had combined _Fondue For Two_ and Lopez-Jones Productions and even started selling some songs on iTunes. Finn had stopped checking out Santana and Mercedes's YouTube channel after summer, but he was happy for them. Puck was still doing his business thing and started taking some side classes to get certified. Sugar even got her father to invest in him. Though, when he and Finn started exploring her house, he didn't appreciate finding an indoor pool and an outdoor one actually built into the ground. He was impressed but offended that he wasn't hired on when they were in high school together.

Afterward, Finn spent the beginning of his night going back and forth between his friends and the professionally decorated tree in the main hall as more and more people began to arrive. He knew that he shouldn't be waiting for Rachel. He should be enjoying the party he was invited to on his own. A string quartet had been hired to play Christmas tunes along with a pianist. The food was tasty and drinks were being served even if they were under age. Not that he could tell, but Sugar bragged about how the champagne was the rare and expensive kind. The Mottas had gone all out. A Lima party wasn't ever supposed to be this amazing. Nonetheless, Finn couldn't help it. He wasn't going to be able to have any fun without seeing her first and putting it all behind him.

She had flown in earlier with Kurt, Quinn, and Blaine. Finn knew that it took girls longer to get ready–well, Kurt and Blaine took a while too, but she should be here by now!

He'd eaten about a dozen popcorn shrimp by the time Mike arrived with his new girlfriend. Finn and Sam didn't even question it. They both abruptly ended their discussion with Puck and Mercedes to get back to Tina's side. It turned out to be unnecessary. Mike's new girlfriend _was_ actually pretty nice, and so was Mike. The conversation was amicable, and while she was nervous before, Tina didn't seem upset at all. Somehow Finn didn't see his own conversation with his own ex going the same way.

It didn't take much longer for the New York group to get there. Finn didn't see them come in. He wasn't even the first to find out about their arrival. Word just eventually trickled down that Rachel and company were somewhere downstairs. Sam was the one to tell him, and thankfully, they were alone when he did. He didn't want this to happen in front of all their old friends too. Finn went to one of the other rooms. This one's guests were mostly older couples. Obviously guests of Sugar's parents. Being there didn't feel comfortable either so he went back by the large Christmas tree and decided to wait a little longer. Rachel should probably be the one to come to him. He would look better that way. Less desperate.

After five minutes, he began to fear that she was just going to avoid him and was happy about him not being in the same room. Then he was worried that maybe she was waiting for him too, and that they'd just spend the whole night waiting in different rooms. That would be awful. He stood rooted for a few more seconds before deciding that he would be the one to cave. He didn't need to. When he turned around she was already there.

His first thought was that she was that she looked beautiful. She had on a great dress that fit her really well, and her hair was up. She seemed taller, but it was probably just the heels. He doubted she'd grown. Adults didn't do that. Or he hoped they didn't. Kissing people was already uncomfortable for him depending on the position.

Finn's second thought was that she looked different. Not exactly from the last time he saw her. She hadn't changed her hair or makeup that much from what he could tell. She was dressed differently tonight for the party, but it was still in what he had grown accustomed to being her style. No, Rachel just looked different than the one he always pictured in his head. Rachel no longer looked like the girl he met in glee. He didn't know why it took until this very moment for that to finally settle in.

She smiled when she finally got in front of him. It was a little strained but much better than the ones she gave him toward the end of last year. "Hey. Merry Christmas."

"Yeah, you too. Or, well, you know what I mean." He tried not to wince at his fumble. Why did he always mess this up? It's not that he ever forgot that Rachel was Jewish. He just kind of forgot that Jewish people celebrated other holidays. "I'm surprised you came home. You didn't come back for Thanksgiving."

"Yeah, but we all agreed once a year, right? It's nice to see everyone again. To see you." She couldn't seem to look at him, though. "Have you seen Kurt yet? He was excited to-"

"Where's Quinn?" That got her focus centered again.

Rachel shifted awkwardly. For her. "Around. I think she wanted to say hi to Santana and Brittany."

"Can't say hi to me, though. You know, the guy whose wife she was banging."

"We didn't want to upset you," she quietly explained.

"Yeah, don't want that."

She sighed. "It was nice to see you, Finn."

He stopped her before she even began to walk away. "Are you with her? I mean, are you a couple? Because Kurt tries really hard to tell me you're not, but I know you. And Quinn."

"We're not together like that anymore. Haven't been since before you even found out. We're friends."

"But you want to be, right? It's fine. It's not news or anything."

"I can't–We're friends, Finn. That's all."

"You know, after everything, you could at least not lie to me. Again."

"I'm not lying to you."

"Maybe you're lying to the both of us then," he challenged, talking down to her. That unfairly felt good. Mainly because he knew he was right. Her reaction was telltale.

Rachel glanced around them, searching for nothing before pushing the subject elsewhere. "Well, what about you? I hear you and Tina are getting quite close."

" _We_ actually are friends, and even if we weren't, you have no place to be upset about it."

"I'm not upset. I wanted to give you my congratulations. If it were true that is." She paused and hesitantly continued, "Do _you_ want it to be?"

It was so surreal to be talking about dating with _Rachel_. He used to talk to her about Quinn sometimes, but that was all before he figured out that Rachel was the one for him when Miss Sylvester's sister died. Or so he thought. Seeing her again, he was afraid it would be like it always was between them when they were broken up. Even when they hadn't been together in the past something always felt inevitable when they talked or sang to each other. But he didn't feel that tug now. They weren't tied to one another.

"I don't know. And until I know for sure, I don't think I should try anything. It wouldn't be fair to make Tina a rebound for you." He frowned, a bit distrustfully. "Why do you want to talk about this anyway?"

"I care about you, Finn. I'm always going to. You were my first everything. And I know you already had several of those experiences before me, but we…we had a lot together, and I want you to be happy. Is that so bad?"

Now he felt bad. "No."

"Look, I get it. After everything, everything I did to you last year, I know it's probably difficult for you to even believe me. But you deserve good things, and even though I can't give them to you, like I wanted to _so_ _badly_ , I still want you to have them, okay?"

Her voice went quiet and hitched on the last word. Finn knew well enough by now that meant she was trying not to cry or was just waiting so she could go cry alone. He grabbed a hold of her before she started to leave again.

He knew what he wanted to say now.

"Wait. I do believe you because I feel the same." He inhaled sharply. Maybe this was really what it meant to be a man; forget everything he learned in glee. "It hurt what you did. It still hurts sometimes. But I really like school. A-and I know it's not what NYADA is, but…I don't know, it fits. Right now, it fits, and I don't feel like I'm under pressure anymore. Like, I have all this time to figure out what I want to do now, and that's okay. When we were together, it didn't feel like that because you knew what you wanted to do. You always knew what you wanted to do. And when we were married and I _still_ didn't know, I felt like a failure, Rachel."

Her eyebrows knitted in concern. "Finn…"

"Don't." He didn't want her sympathy for that. "Look, what I'm saying is that even if it might not have happened the right way, ending our marriage was a good idea. I think we're both happier for it. And that's not a bad thing either. So I do want you to be happy. And if you love her and she makes you happy, then you should just be with her and stop worrying about me. I'm going to be fine. And okay, I won't lie. I basically wish it was happening with anyone _but_ her because I don't want Quinn to be happy at all. I kind of just really want her to feel every ounce my misery and multiply it."

"It's not Quinn's fault. I went to her."

"I know that. But you're pretty much allowed to feel that way about the person who was sleeping with your wife. I'll probably get over it eventually." He tried to picture Quinn's face to prove his point but ended up wanting to kick the decorative presents instead. "Or not. Whatever."

"Well, I hope that-"

"I love you," he cut her off again, finding no need to hear her defend Quinn more. _Or at all._ "And this isn't me fighting to get you back or telling you that I'm still in love with you, I just…I do." He shrugged up one shoulder. "Because you're right. You may not have been my first kiss or date or girlfriend or whatever, but you were my first in every way that mattered. And I think that's what counts. And that it never goes away. So I'm always going to love you. Even if we never get back together or drift apart even farther, I promise that won't change." He reached down to help wipe off her tears.

"Can I…Would it be okay to hug you right now?"

Finn smiled. "Sure."

She still fit perfectly, and he couldn't deny that it was nice to just hold her again. To hold anyone.

"I love you too, Finn."

*

Rachel made it official with Quinn not too long after they got back to school. Finn knew it was because of the conversation they had over break, and he hated himself for it. He should've kept his mouth shut. He did want Rachel to be happy, really, but he didn't want this either. Being an adult was _awful_.

Sam invited Tina over as soon as they heard the news. The trio sat up all night and played _The Last of Us_ on the super hard survival mode. It was difficult and frustrating and they kept dying and using way too much ammo because they were over-caffeinated, but it helped.

Finn's heart was still splintered in a thousand, tiny Rachel pieces, and he still had no life worth bringing up in conversation, but he was starting to realize that everything could be worse. He had two great friends willing to support him, and none of them lived in a world where some weird fungus turned everyone into crazy zombie things who wanted to eat people.

So, yeah, things could be worse.

*

It wasn't difficult to adjust to the second semester. All his classes were still the same, some of them just happened at slightly different times now. He got into a rhythm, but still had no direction. He wished for a dream. Finn knew by now that he didn't _need_ to have one, but it would make him feel a whole lot less inadequate.

Finn had been good at a lot of stuff, but he's never been the _best_ at anything. Sometimes that still shook his confidence, and Finn would have bad days. This had been a bad week.

He tried in vain to get some more inspiration from watching _Saturday Night Fever_ again. The first time he saw it, it really did spark something in him. He thought he could move past a dead-end job and make it big in New York too; just as an actor with Rachel. Not as a disco dancer. But he didn't want to be in New York anymore so now the movie was just kind of boring, so he ended up putting on _Braveheart_ halfway through instead. (Besides, he didn't think anyone from Women's Studies would have been okay with all the sexual assault in it.)

"Hey, how'd you do?" Tina asked him as they exited their classroom. Today they had gotten this week's paper back in English. He gruffly showed her his whomping C+. "That's not that bad."

"A B would have been better." Finn really wanted that B. He worked really hard, even borrowed his mom's thesaurus. "What'd you get?"

"Oh, you know." She shrugged as she began walking away, but Finn grabbed her notebook before she had a chance to stop him. He saw her shove her paper in there during class. It was right on top and impossible to miss. So was the A. Tina always got A's.

"It doesn't mean anything," she tried to tell him.

Finn just handed her book back. "Why do you even go here? You're way too smart for this place."

"Like I said. Staying home in Lima for a couple of years will save me thousands of dollars."

"That's crap." He momentarily narrowed his eyes in challenge. "I looked it up. There are a billion scholarships out there. Even special ones for Asian students. You could easily get one of those."

"I don't _want_ a special Asian scholarship." She glared back. He didn't get why that made her upset. "I'm more than just Asian." So much of her time spent with Mike seemed to reduce them into being a race couple. While it might be unfair to her ex, sometimes she had found it to be insulting.

"Well, yeah, obviously. You're Tina." He grinned.

She sighed. Finn was so simple sometimes. "There's nothing wrong with staying home. You should know that better than anyone."

His smile dropped. "There's not anything wrong with it, but if you have other options, then you don't need to do it either. I mean, you could do _anything_. Do you get that? You're amazing. You could probably be, like, an astronaut or something if you wanted to. You in Lima is…It's a waste. It's too small for you. If I was a lucky as you were, do you know what I'd be doing?" He probably would have found his dream by now at the very least.

"Yeah, I think everyone knows what you'd be doing, Finn." _Rachel_. He'd be doing Rachel.

Finn didn't like how she said that. He had never been a big fan of sarcasm. "You said you hated it here."

"You're putting words in my mouth."

"But you-" He cut himself short before he could get mad.

Why did the girls he was interested in always do this? He had actually been listening. Tina talked about not liking school, didn't she?

"Don't project your issues onto me."

He frowned. "I wasn't."

"Just because _you'd_ like to be doing something better doesn't mean I would."

" _I_ don't actually mind it here."

"Please. It's your second choice." Tina was starting to get real familiar with Finn's second choices.

"And it isn't yours? What if Mike didn't have a new girlfriend? You said when you talked to him last year you wanted to get back together. You'd be in Chicago right now. That's why you stayed."

"Going to Chicago just for a boyfriend who would make everything easier would have been a mistake. You should know _that_ one too." Tina didn't even care right now if that had been a low blow. "Newsflash, not everyone knows what they want out of their future. Most people, in fact, don't. That's fine. Rachel and glee just made you think differently about it. Staying at home and saving money while I try and figure that out isn't a bad thing, and it's not a _waste_. Maybe I'll know next year or the year after that. And maybe after I graduate I'll change my mind and go back to school. Or maybe I won't finish school at all. I might stay here or I might move away. I probably will one day, but I don't need to worry about that now." She paused to breathe again. "And neither do you.

It was the most he ever heard her say all at once. Even if it was inappropriate because they were arguing and everything, he was really glad she saved it for him. He loved getting to know more about her and maybe see sides that most people didn't. But it was probably one of the worst moments in history to kiss someone.

That didn't stop Finn from doing so.

*

When he thought about it, it _was_ pretty amazing how New Directions was all around the country. It was definitely a McKinley record for a graduating class. The Class of '97 had three kids go to school out of state. That was the next closest one. Most of the time no one really left. So Finn kind of always knew that with those odds, he would probably never make it out of Lima and definitely not out of Ohio. Just like he knew Rachel Berry would probably be one of the exceptions.

Before glee even really started, he had been the one guy who was okay with that. Puck was the team's badass, but the threat of being a Lima Loser was the one thing that could scare him. Quinn had always been paranoid over her grades and church volunteer work until she got pregnant and thought that meant she'd be stuck here too. Then she just cried a lot about it. Mr. Schuester had given up his dreams for his first wife and was basically a standard McKinley example, but taking over glee made him happy again. And being in glee made Finn's future in Lima seem okay.

The idea of being Rachel's husband and leaving with her ended up feeling better. Except it hadn't been. Rachel hadn't needed him there. And Tina didn't need him to be her boyfriend now. He didn't have a club or team to lead. He didn't need to bail Puck out or introduce Sam to the high school way of life. Kurt didn't need him to protect him from school bullies. Quinn, Santana, Will, Coach, his parents…No one needed Finn. They were all doing fine without him. Which was great. _For_ _them_. But Finn wanted a role. He was tired of feeling lost without one.

Everything he had done since high school was because someone else was already doing it. Or had done it like his dad and the army. For the first time, Finn honestly wanted something that was his. Something that he would always want.

Something that would keep him from kissing his friends in the middle of the hallway.

*

Sam listened patiently to Finn's latest dilemma while Finn worked on the latest car to come into the shop. Sam had never really had a dream beyond starting a family one day because he'd be a super dad. So he got where Finn was coming from. He just didn't get the pressure he said he was under. "You just need to do something you love. And I don't mean future career stuff like you've been looking for. I mean regular stuff. Like, if you could be doing anything just because right now, what would you be doing?"

Finn missed doing what he was good at. He missed trying to become a better singer and picking out songs for glee assignments and performing in front of people. "Well, I guess I kind of miss music."

Sam's grin was big. "Now that we can work with."

*

Finn and Sam spent the weekend reorganizing the basement. Most of it was still packed away from when the Hummels and the Hudsons moved in together. Finn and Kurt were supposed to do this years ago, but as soon as they moved, Kurt was transferring schools. One thing led to another, and they never got around to it. They only shifted things around to dig out the holiday decorations when it was necessary. Most of it wasn't stuff they used every day so it hadn't been missed.

But Finn's old drum set was down there. He didn't forget about it. He just got accustomed to using the set in glee whenever he wanted. Glee's was a little nicer and thankfully a little bigger. He wasn't even sure until now that his still worked properly.

After getting all the boxes in the order his mom thought was best, the basement was the perfect space for what they wanted. It was a little chilly down there and the floor was cold because there was no carpet and the lighting wasn't the best. They also found a dead garter snake and some old laundry that must have fallen out of a basket. But it would work just fine.

Sam and Finn negotiated a trade. Finn would teach Sam the drums, and in return, Sam would teach Finn the guitar. He already knew a little bit from Puck and Artie, but it had never been something he'd mastered. Getting better at something he loved like music was all he had done for years. He was happy enough to do it forever. Because Finn would never be a singer like Rachel or a rapper like Mr. Schue or a dancer like Mike. There was always room for improvement, and that was exciting. This would always be there to fall back on no matter what.

He asked Tina to get involved as well. He was sure that she must have missed music too. He was pretty sure everyone from glee who didn't go to school to sing missed it. How could they not? So he asked her for dancing lessons. Well, he apologized for kissing her and promised he wouldn't do it again or make anything more awkward between them. _Then_ he asked her for dancing lessons. Anyway, she accepted his apology and hesitantly agreed.

They started slow and rehearsed on Thursdays. It worked out to where that was the only time their schedules were freed up at the same time. The University of Lima had a small music department and dance studios for use. Dancing was hard. Always had been for him. He still couldn't even do simple steps without feeling like he was going to fall over. But he was getting better at dancing with someone. _Kind of_. Maybe it was because he liked doing that more.

Finn wanted to be with someone again. Dating and being in love made all the difficult stuff easier. Well, unless the dating part was the difficult part. Glee never had been short on relationship drama. He liked to think that he was ready for that now. He probably hadn't been a few months ago when he first wanted to be, but he's fixed a lot of his problems since then. He might have been seeing what he wanted to, but sometimes he thought Tina might like him back. He had been oblivious to certain signs in the past, mainly because girls don't always say what they mean, but he wasn't _that_ dumb.

She laughed at his jokes, and they weren't always funny. She always asked him to study with her even though his notes were mostly illegible. She agreed to dancing lessons with _him_ , one of the worst dancers ever. They texted before bed a lot before saying goodnight. Sometimes Tina seemed just as lonely as he did. But they didn't feel lonely when they were together. And Finn couldn't help but think that was promising.

*

They were alone together today. They were running a little late earlier, and by the time the got there, the music hall was emptier than it normally was. Finn wouldn't complain about that. They ended up staying later than they normally did as well. They were laughing a lot which kept throwing off their rhythm, and Finn guessed they just sort of lost track of time. His feet were tired and he felt sweaty which was probably gross for her.

Tina didn't look bad being sweaty, though. Girls were lucky like that. She even looked kind of hot with her hair tied back and in her dance clothes. She was flushed and breathing heavily. He really wished he had never pictured her like this before.

Finn jerked back to try and ignore those thoughts, prompting Tina to frown. He cut her off before she could ask what was wrong. "Can we maybe take a break?"

"Sure," Tina agreed, offering him a Gatorade as they took a seat in the corner. "I think you are actually getting better now."

"Maybe. I didn't step on your feet at all this time," he joked.

"See. Progress." Dancing with Mike had always been effortless. They just flowed together. This was _much_ different. "We should have done this years ago. I'm sure Rachel would have appreciated it."

"Yeah. She was always more worried about the singing part of glee, though. Not that she ever really needed to worry." He gave a small smile.

Tina wondered if he even realized that he was smiling. He would never be over her. "Rachel is a great singer."

Finn frowned, bemused. She had said that strangely. "So was Mercedes. And Artie and Santana. Kurt, even if his voice was kinda high sometimes. You were too."

She chuckled at that. "I barely sang. I bet you couldn't even remember one of my solos."

"That's not true. I remember 'True Colors.' A-and that 'Valentine' one that you started crying in when I had mono. I remember because I thought I was hallucinating from the fever." He paused. "It was kinda weird."

Her laugh was embarrassed now. "Yeah, _I_ actually don't like to remember that one."

"It wasn't that bad," he tried to assure her. "Not as bad as when Rachel had laryngitis. Or 'Run, Joey, Run.' That's still the worst performance I've ever been involved in. Or, well, I guess the kiss at Nationals was pretty awful too. You know, as far as singing on stage goes."

Tina abruptly got up, visibly confusing Finn, but she didn't care about that. She suddenly just wanted to be at home in her old Snuggie. "Do you think we could maybe stop rehearsals for today? I have some stuff I need to do and-"

"Sure. That'd be fine." He stood up after her. "Do you need a ride or-"

"No, I have my car."

"Cool. You alright? You just seem kind of tense all of a sudden."

"I'm fine. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Okay." Finn frowned as he watched her start to leave and decided now would be the best time to try this. He didn't want to lose any more of his confidence. "Tina," he called after her.

"Yeah?"

He took a deep breath. "Do you want to go out sometime? Like, on a date. With me," he finished. _Lamely_. Why couldn't he do this _one_ thing right?

"Finn…"

"You don't have to say yes. I mean, we'd still be friends and everything."

"Then I'm sorry, but I can't go out with you. Not right now."

"Oh." This had been one of the outcomes he prepared for, but hearing that still hurt anyway.

She sighed at his face falling. She hardly wanted to hurt him. "You're obviously not ready to seriously date someone. Just like you're obviously not completely over Rachel."

"I haven't thought about Rachel in months." Tina shot him a look. "Okay, so sometimes I do, but it's not like I used to. Usually when I think about her it's because something will remind me of her or someone will bring her up. And it's not heavy anymore. I do the same thing with Puck and Kurt."

"All you did just now was talk about her."

He frowned. "I was talking about glee. I wasn't even thinking about it like I was talking about our relationship or anything. She just sang a lot." Most of his numbers had been with her. He hadn't thought that this would upset Tina. "I-I can talk about singing with Quinn instead. We did that once. And it was sort of embarrassing, I guess."

"Are we going to talk about Santana too? Because that won't be more awkward."

"I wasn't trying–How about 'Push It?'" He tried and smiled again. "We were both in that one."

"That's not my point."

"Then what is? I'm not in love with Rachel anymore. I'm not angry with her. I'm not anything."

"You're a mess," she countered softly. "Not as much as you were before, but I don't think you're where you want to be yet. Trust me. I felt the same way last year after Mike. I even thought I was in love with Blaine for a while there." She shook her head at herself. That was still hard to completely dissect. "It's difficult when you've depended on someone for so long and that comfort's suddenly snatched away. I don't want to be your substitute or backup plan. It's okay to be a little lost. I get that now. But until _you_ do, we're not going to be anything other than friends, okay?"

"Yeah. Okay." Finn always thought that girls wanted guys to fight for them. Not…literally (though, maybe they sometimes wanted that too) but emotionally. This, however, sounded like something else, and he wanted to respect that. Even if that meant settling for now. "But you're not a backup." He shrugged lightly. "I just like you."

"I like you too." She returned his smile and leaned up to place a short-lived kiss on his cheek. "Let's see how summer goes."

Picking up her bag with a small wave, Tina left him standing alone.

*

Finn didn't want to be a mess. He didn't want to be the guy to just wait for everything to come to him. He knew that you needed to earn all the things you wanted in life. No one was going to hand them over. But he wanted to stop rushing things. If he's learned anything in the last year, it's that you can't force it.

He wanted to start being responsible about his future. Planning it out seemed like the best place to start so Finn made a list. It wasn't too specific because obviously this stuff couldn't be predicted. He wrote down a few things that he wanted to do that were completely unrealistic just to get them out of the way. Then he began writing down things that could actually happen. It wasn't much, but it was way better than his last plan which was propose to someone who already knew what they were doing.

Finn probably wouldn't ever become a rich and famous rock star that could afford to buy Sugar's mansion. And he probably wouldn't ever win a National Championship as the Buckeye's quarterback. Nor would he then retire from football and become an ESPN analyst. (Though, sportscaster might be fun.) He wouldn't be a hero, and with his track record, he was more likely to lose the girl to another girl then get her for himself.

But he could maybe try and start a tiny band with Sam. They had talked about it, joked really, but it could happen. People did that all the time in their garages. Finn and Sam definitely had more experience than any of them. They just needed to look into practice spaces and hold auditions and pick out a bitching name. Maybe if it actually started to work out, they could call Brittany to plug them on her show.

Finn could also work on his grades and transfer schools. Ohio actually had a bunch of them; none more important than OSU. Finn had wanted to go there once, like, when he was ten. They were always his favorite team since the rest of Ohio sports were so embarrassing. It would be fun to be a part of something so much bigger than himself. Columbus wasn't far. He's made the trip a bunch of times now. He could come right back home when he was done. Unless something better found him along the way. Then he could stay there. That's why people chose to go to state schools.

He didn't want to do it all alone, though. He wanted his best friends with him. Tina might one day figure out that she has some sort of attraction to girls to. It had happened with all three girls he's been with so he couldn't be sure. He just wouldn't be blindsided if it did this time. Either way, it didn't matter. He just wanted her there if she wanted to be. In the meantime, doing what was asked and working on himself through summer was number one on his realistic list. Finn didn't know what Tina planned on doing next year. He only hoped she'd want him in her future too.

Sam would be easier to persuade.

*

Much like they usually did on weekends, Finn sat with his friend on the floor as they wore out his PS3. They had been taking turns the last couple of weeks trying to actually complete _Skyrim_. Right now Finn could only watch which left him antsy. "Do you ever want to leave Lima?"

Sam snorted. "I have left Lima."

"No, for real. On your own."

"I don't know. I mean, it's not the same now that everyone's gone, but I have a job and a home and friends." He sighed. "I miss my own family, though. Yours has been great, but it's not the same."

"So you plan on moving to Kentucky?"

"If that's where they are, then yeah. Eventually, I'll probably move back home near my parents." His parents were doing a little better now. They both had steady jobs. It might be nice to go back and help. "I think by the time that happens my brother and sister will be going into high school and then they might be going to college. It'll be good for them if I'm around."

"What about school for you?"

"I've never been really good at it. My dyslexia requires tutoring and stuff. College would probably be a waste of money. _A lot_ of money." Sam almost shuddered when he looked at the costs last year. "Like, I might go to night school or trade school or something if I find the right job. I just don't see the point in me having an English degree or whatever it is people get now. Most normal jobs don't even look for that. My cousin from Texas majored in communications but went into graphic design. It's about experience and references."

"Yeah." Finn had heard enough about that last year from Kurt and his internship. "Then what about jobs? I don't want to work at the tire shop forever, and Coach Beiste may not even need you." Sam frowned at him. "Not that you're not good at what you do. I only meant that what we're doing now can't be our lives forever."

"I guess not, but it's not supposed to be, right? College is supposed to be the transition. So are side jobs like mine."

"So when that's over, what are you going to do?"

"I thought I'd just figure it out then."

"Or we could plan," Finn proposed. "I was reading about transfer rates to Ohio State-"

"You want to go to Ohio State?"

"Maybe. It's better than Lima. People come from all over the country just to see their football games. Being a part of that might be kind of cool. And, you know, I'd like to live on my own again. Not like last year, obviously, but I can't keep living with my parents. That kind of puts a damper on the freedom thing."

"You'll have to get another job in Columbus unless you live in a dorm."

"Yeah, and I'll need to have a roommate. One that isn't a wife," he quickly added, and Sam immediately caught on.

"You want to be roommates."

"We're basically roommates now," Finn pointed out. "I figure if we look hard enough we could find an apartment cheap enough. They probably have a lot around there meant for students. We could save up for the next year or two."

"Man, that's awesome." Sam high fived him. "But Tina has to come too. All for one, one for all. No man gets left behind."

"I think you're quoting two different things."

"Whatever. She can't be the only person left in Lima. No way."

"I'm pretty sure she'll want to transfer eventually too once she knows where she wants to go or what she wants to do." Tina continued to go back and forth, and her recent conclusion was that she really hated UOL. Finn hoped she didn't change her mind about that _again_ and came with them; just not _with them_. The thought kind of freaked him out.

Sam smiled. "See. Awesome."

"But we're not gonna live with her, right? I don't think I should live with another girl I might be in a relationship with again for a long time. I'm not ready for that."

"So we'll figure out a solution when we have to." Sam shrugged and started thinking about it. "I'll need to get another job too. Maybe private dancer. For, like, bachelorette parties."

"Dude."

"It pays _really_ well. And I got a lot of phone numbers last time that I never used because I still had feelings for Mercedes," he sighed wistfully. "I couldn't do that now, though. Not while living under your mom's roof. I'd feel funny."

Finn laughed again. "Well, we've got plenty of time to choose."

As of now they just needed to worry about dragons.

*

Finn decided that when he did eventually move out, he'd leave the box with his old wedding rings at his parents' house. Kids left stuff at their parents' house all the time, even when they were old. His mom still had a bunch of clothes and records stored away in his grandma's attic. He asked her about it once when he was younger, and she explained it was because she had no use for any of it but didn't want to throw it away either. It wasn't sentimental enough to keep on hand like everything they kept in the basement at their first house, but it wasn't garbage either.

The rings were like that. They were important to him before, but one day he would replace them with even better ones. Ones that were worth taking the time to save up for.

Finn was in between everything right now, and he might be for a while. But that didn't scare him anymore. He felt like with enough time that he was going to make it. The world was pretty big, but he didn't need to take it on all alone. He had friends to enjoy it with and music to enjoy it through. Lima would always be here if he needed it. Relying on a place was smarter than relying on a person. Finn trusted home, but now he was finally trusting himself.

That was all that mattered.


End file.
